Something happened recently which forced me to ponder how others see me. Isn't it strange when you're so sure you come off as being one way, then something is said which makes it clear that isn't how others see you at all?
Without going into all the details I'll just say that my dreamer personality was mentioned in a less than flattering way. I'd never given much thought to how this personality comes across. I'm not usually even aware when she's front and center. (I just flashed on how often my abuser, the stepdad, used to bellow, "Front and center!" when he wanted me to come change the channel on the TV, refill his iced tea, or any number of various menial chores. I wonder if my dreamer self took over at times like that? Did I feel anger or impatience at being so abruptly and rudely summoned from the sanctuary of my bedroom? If not, it's probably because my dreamy alter took over for me. After all, we kids weren't allowed to display any negative emotions.)
I'm not apologetic about this alter, is what I've come to realize. When disparaging remarks were made about her they took me off guard. I hadn't even considered what others on the outside think of this part, but now I had good reason to. What I've concluded is this. If a person is of a totally different temperament they will most likely not have much use for my dreamer self. They will probably be impatient with her dreaminess. That's okay, I don't see that as being my issue at all. There's a reason that this personality is part of my inner DID system. I can't really apologize for her existence when she made it possible for me to survive unimaginable horrors.
For the majority of my life I've crumbled or cowered under the criticism of others. What others thought of me mattered way too much--as I see now--because I had no real sense of who I was apart from my interactions with others. For one of the few times in my life, I'm rejecting criticism. The person who gave it is entitled to her opinion, but that's all it is: an opinion. I am not less, my dreamer self is not less, because someone doesn't much like her.
I stood my ground. In the aftermath of doing so I find that I feel freer and empowered. I don't recall the last time I felt this good. It's wonderful and delicious to own who I am, regardless of who does or doesn't approve of or like me. I'm not less valuable as a human being if someone decides they don't like me. I like me. With all my flaws, weaknesses and stumblings I like this person I'm becoming, this person who is made up of many.
I don't always exist in a dream state; I could hardly have raised 5 kids single handedly or accomplished half of what I've done in life if that were case. But there are going to be times when my dreamer will be in the forefront, making it possible for me to keep on keeping on. That's okay. That's more than okay. I see it as a good thing that I haven't lost the ability to dream.