Of Redheads and Abuse

While checking out some of the search engine terms which brought readers to my blog, I was taken to several sites which defined the term redheaded stepchild. I was told (big surprise) that this old expression is not meant as a compliment. Beaten like a redheaded stepchild means "to be singled-out for abuse, since a redheaded stepchild will ultimately look different from the rest of the children in the family, and is probably the one child who looks most like the absent parent."

This much is true: as a child I resembled my dad's side of the family (and therefore must have been a constant reminder to my mother and stepdad of things they'd rather keep swept under the rug), but the red hair  was inherited from my mom's side.

Another interesting definition of redheaded step child is:

A colloquialism meaning "a really severe beat-down." Apparently it comes from some people's belief that redheads and stepchildren ain't worth much, and if you combine the two, you're getting something that you can safely wallop with maximum force and enthusiasm.

Hmm, I'm not sure who decided that redheads "ain't worth much." Evil can be quite creative in justifying itself! To beat on one because he/she is helpless (only a child), or the wrong skin or hair color is nothing but pure evil. The moment we begin labeling we diminish another's worth. "She's only a redheaded stepchild" is, for some sick individuals, justification enough for abuse. Even the label of "stepchild," never mind the red hair, strips the one referred to of all personality, character and value. To me the term stepchild connotes an odd-man-out status, as if to say "you're almost but not quite a part of this family. You're a step away from belonging, from deserving parental love and protection and nurturing."

Webster's dictionary (1913) defines stepchild as "a bereaved child; one who has lost father or mother." I've never heard of this definition before; what an interesting take on this word, and one which fit my childhood self to a T:  I'd lost my father as truly as if he'd suddenly keeled over from a heart attack.

It's safe to say that I was a bereaved, beaten down child routinely walloped (sexually) with maximum force and enthusiasm. When first I began referring to my childhood self as a redheaded stepchild I meant it in the most technical sense of having red hair, and being someone's step-daughter. I could see the humor in this and used the term with ignorant abandon. I see now that there is a much greater implication to this term; in a sense, any child mistreated qualifies for a redheaded stepchild status.

I wish we lived in a world where being different--in whatever capacity--made one not less than but treasured. A world in which children were treated gently with a near holy awe at the enormous responsibility one holds in shaping and guiding an innocent life.

I don't think I'll ever think of the phrase redheaded stepchild in quite the same way, nor toss the term around with my former flippancy. Yes, I sure was a redheaded stepchild, in every way possible, the memory of which deserves more than barbed jokes and facetious comments.

 

Comments

[Enola]

I remember you using that term before. I had no idea that you weren't using it in the "beaten like a red-headed step-child" sense. I thought it an accurage description of the situation that you, and many abuse victims, find themselves in. Didn't know you actually had red hair though!

[beautifuldreamer]

Yep, I got my red hair from my mother--the only one of 7 children who ended up with it.

(These days it's more grey than red, but that's beside the point.)

[kïrstin]

hmm. i had never heard the term 'beaten like a' redheaded stepchild before this post. i have heard of 'redheaded step child', used always as signifying obvious difference, but having nothing to do with value. and usually having nothing to do with literal families.

being a member of a combined family, i am used to the term stepchild. as well as step father, step mother, and step brothers and sister. and half sister and brother. its how we have always described origins, and who was who. it has always been a term referring to relationship. for that matter, in terms of referring to someones worth, i have more often heard step father as a derogatory term, referring to the worthless jerk a woman with kids married next. sometimes it even extended to devaluing the mother for marrying him.

everyone in my nuclear family is a step to someone, except my little sister and brother, who came later. my step fathers five children are my mothers step children. the only one of us who is the odd man out is my step sister, because of her own bitterness toward the remarriage. and she is the only one who ever used the terms in a derogatory manner.

on a humorous note - i have a redheaded neighbor who lives behind me, who has three very redheaded children. i havent seen his wife yet, so i dont know what color her hair is.
kïrstin☼

[Enola]

My hair is reddish too - but it is from Loreal #5B - not naturally !

[Natasha]

I've never heard the term 'redheaded step child'before! (*runs off to google...*) and I've never thought of 'step-' meaning "you're almost but not quite a part of this family. You're a step away from belonging, from deserving parental love and protection and nurturing." before... It's an interesting interpretation, but also certainly a very subjective one, too - There are of course many, step-children / step - parents / step-brothers and step-sisters who are accepted wholey and completely into the family and treated with the love and adoration that they deserve... For me, most of my experiences of being 'beaten down and routinely walloped' came from those immediately related to me - My becoming of a stepchild was a liberation to me - the begining of my improved life, of my recovery - of being treated in the way that every child deserves to be treated. So it's quite a different take on being a step-child that I have!

I'm truly sorry for your experience as a 'red headed step child'. I'm glad to see your moving forward with your life creatively and positively.

[K-Perfect]

I love this: 'A world in which children were treated gently with a near holy awe at the enormous responsibility one holds in shaping and guiding an innocent life" Frankly, that is how I feel about raising my own daughter. My mind is boggled by the responsibility I have to her to guide her in so many things at the same time teaching her how to make her own choices. I don't know too many other 3 year olds whose Mom's talk about "setting boundaries", LOL! I've also been teaching her about different kinds of people. A great book you might want to share with your grandkids "It's Okay To Be Different" by, I think, Jack Parr? We can at least try to educate the future generations so that terms like red-headed stepchild go back to ONLY the literal translation you first intended.

[Abz]

I'm gob smaked, I had never heard that term, but oh it makes such sad sense..

[Natasha]

"I love this: 'A world in which children were treated gently with a near holy awe at the enormous responsibility one holds in shaping and guiding an innocent life'. Frankly, that is how I feel about raising my own daughter; My mind is boggled by the responsibility I have to her to guide her in so many things at the same time teaching her how to make her own choices."

That's how I feel exactly - Couldn't have put it better myself.