Audacious Dignity

I met Sissyface yesterday to pick out paint for my apartment.

I've never done this before, never had the luxury of choosing different colors for every room. My head swam from all the available choices. Someone inside my head kept sounding off a warning, but I ignored it. Yes, it seems sinfully indulgent to be doing something like this but you know what? I'm doing it anyway. I'm ignoring all the warnings and dire predictions of doom and decorating my new place as best I can.

For the living room I chose Toasted Wheat. How cozy does that sound? I've always wanted a living room in a warm color like this and always had to settle for dull white. The trim will be done in a creamy hue called Vanilla Ice Cream.

My kitchen is going to be done in Cream Yellow. I've decided to take back the color yellow, having realized lately that I haven't liked it since I painted my room that color when I was 10, and was molested in it. So yellow it is, with the same creamy trim as the living room.

I decided on Cerulean Haze for my bathroom, with a sharp white trim. The bedroom will be done in Soft Pink to offset the beautiful quilt Sissyface bought me.

My plan is to have curtains at every window. I don't remember the last time I lived with curtains, it's been nothing but ugly blinds everywhere I've lived. It will take me a while to be able to afford them, but worth the wait. I still can't picture how everything will look and part of that is because I haven't seen the apartment yet. I imagine it's just like Sissyface's, only smaller. But I'm sure there are dissimilar details as well.

So far this is how the coming week is shaping up for me:  packing, and finishing a baby blanket order and getting it sent off. Fortunately I'm nearly over my bad cold, but of course now my toothache is beginning to throb once more. I'm hoping to slide on going to the dentist until I get all settled in.

None of us knows what the future holds, all we can do is muddle along doing our best to believe that there will be ups along with the downs. Anything can happen. I may be punished for daring to follow through on my need for my own space, it may be the ultimate in audacity to think it's okay to do so. But I'm moving ahead with my plans regardless. If I've learned nothing else in life I've learned that so often the voices of doom I hear whenever something good happens are simply my old outdated conditioned thinking, "stinking thinking" left over from a fractured childhood.

And so I keep on keeping on, looking neither to the left nor to the right. Tim seems to be suddenly aware of the fact that I raised five kids alone, on minimum wage. He keeps marveling, saying things like, "How did you do that, Mom?"

Well, how indeed. By putting one foot in front of the other. By saving my weary tears for the dead of the night when my little ones were deep in Dreamland and I could cry in secret. By being too stubborn to give up. I don't know how I did it, honestly.

Stubbornness is a great motivator. Haven't we all accomplished the impossible at times out of sheer refusal to give in to defeat? I know I've had more than my share of times of feeling like I wasn't going to give up on something even if it killed me, because I was so tired of failure.

What hard things are you facing in your life right now, things which you're determined to follow through on no matter how much courage it requires?

It occurs to me what a beautiful thing it is for survivors of horrendous abuse to even entertain the idea of following one's dreams. Of even having those dreams in the first place.

Such audacity! I'm proud to be part of a community of survivors who dare the impossible by facing the storms of life with audacious dignity.

Comments

[Marcy]

I love this audacity. And I cling to my stubbornness, too -- it has served me well, and I think that even when it serves my sin, it's not the stubbornness that's the problem, but the sin I'm applying it to.

I was just listening to a lecture by a guy who was talking about how excessive and extravagant God is. It seems so counter to what you're "supposed" to think about God. But it fits, and I love it.

You can make your own curtains -- either instead of "real" ones or as temporary fillers while you wait for "real" ones. My mom used to make them out of inexpensive sheets. All you really need are rectangles with a hem at one end and a casing for the curtain rod at the other, and thinner rectangles for tiebacks. Easy enough to sew on some trim, lace, or a ruffle. You might even be able to find the material used in that quilt, if there are matching sheets available.

Your colors sound lovely.

[beautifuldreamer]

Marcy,

There are matching sheets available (and shams and bedskirt) but they're rather spendy. I do like the idea of making curtains out of sheets....what a good idea!

Beauty

(God as excessive and extravagant? I like it! Hmm, this is something for me to bear in mind when I feel as if I have to deny myself so much all the time.)

[Austin]

When I first read of the colours I thought of how nice they are and how soothing they are. They're very close to what I would have chosen.
I too am not a real fan of yellow for the very same reasons you pointed out.

[wily]

For me it's graduate school. I continually feel like I don't have the right to be there, especially when I look around and see that 98% of the other students have more money/confidence/connections than I do. I continually question my belonging and it's a real struggle to keep my head up.

But I'm there anyway. And sometimes it seems to me that only survivors really understand life. Because we have had to figure out a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense and ask the hard questions way early. It really does make a difference in character.

I really enjoy your description of colors. Hoping for a pic when done. :)

you inspire me that some day I too may have my own place--so keep posting about it even if it seems redundant~

[beautifuldreamer]

Oh Wily, you've got it so right: only survivors really do understand life as it should be understood. I actually have felt sorry at times for people I know who haven't suffered much. There is such a lack of depth, it seems.

I do intend to take lots of photos!

I hope you won't wait as long as I have (uhm, I'm nearly 55) to get your own place...but better late than never, huh? Besides, you can't rush a good thing. I'll just say I'm a late bloomer. I'll continue posting about this because it's what I'm dealing with right now, and it's good to know that something in my confusion of a life may inspire someone else.