Hello Anger, My Old Friend

How fitting that my mother plans on willing me her cookbooks, considering what a Cinderella I was in her second family.  The insult of my little inheritance is just now sinking in. She so easily could have left me nothing, which is exactly what I would have expected and wanted. 

Every morning I awaken feeling as if I've just been engaged in a passionate controversy with her. But you never and how could you goes my mind's refrain. I've never given my mother as much thought as I have in the past several months. Is it because I know she will most likely die soon?

I found out yesterday that Maddy and Anna might be living next door to me when I move into Sissyface's complex. There's a two bedroom becoming available in November and they want it. After a long rambly conversation with my son about all the advantages of this move, I remembered about Christmas.

"There is one thing," I told him with reluctance. "Grandma will be at Sissyface's during the holidays. You guys can't tell her I'm living nearby."

Oh how I hate the necessity of saying such things. And I'm not at all sure how this will work out. I'm not concerned about anyone deliberately spilling the beans, but there's Tim. I can see him asking my mom if he's seen my new apartment yet, and how nice it is for me to live so close to his auntie.

There will always be something trying to destroy my peace of mind, this is nothing new. It does get wearisome when it's the same type of thing over and over.

Shall I let the bastards win? I don't think so.

They've robbed me of so much already.

I would almost like for my mother to stumble across me. I don't think she'd get much enjoyment out of it, but I've all kinds of things on the tip of my tongue just dying to be said.

My sons are very forgiving. They also don't know anything but little snippets of what was done to me decades ago.

I'm just so angry and it occurs to me that I've probably been so for a really long time, it's just that it's all been tamped down and repressed.

Comments

[Austin]

I wonder if it would do you good to set limits with Sissyface as far as when your mother comes to visit. You could tell her that you understand she and the mother have a relationship but you need her to respect that you two don't. I'd suggest that when the mother finds out you live so close you have a plan of action for yourself. I have a plan of action for the inevitable. I live in the same city with my mother. I will run into her. I need to know what I'll say and do BEFORE that happens. I use to think, I can't leave the house because I'll run into her so I stayed home. But here's the thing, I'm a grown woman, not the child she raised to fear her. I'm a standing tall, strong backboned and sometimes arrogant woman who can and will simply turn and walk past her like the total stranger she is. You can do that too and justify it. It took forever for me to be able to walk away from her this way without a feelings of social obligation or familial obligation.

As far as your kids being forgiving, they don't know what was done but just a little bit so it is easier for them to forgive. They have a sense of family values but they also have a sense of justice. If they knew I'm sure they wouldn't be so ready to forgive someone who went out of her way to hurt her children.

Austin

[beautifuldreamer]

I think that Sissyface will respect my request to not tell our mother where I live. She was fine with it when I told her not to tell her, and that we'd have to work something out while she's in town so that she can warn me if Mom is about to leave the apartment.

Yes, my sons all have a strong, burning sense of justice. If they knew . . . well, this is one form of dying to self I suppose, my not poisoning their minds against her so that I can justify my own actions. I'd love to tell, but I can't. I will say that even though they barely know what was done to me, not one of them has ever given me a bad time for ending my relationship with my mother.

I don't have a mother, but God has blessed me five times over with very loving, supportive sons.

[keepers]

Dear Beauty

Having those supportive sons and sister are indeed priceless. We would give anything to have that kind of support. When you are feeling down remember how much support you do have and who it is coming from,

peace and blessings

Keepers