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Existing
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 9:30AM I exist in the tension;)
between what was, what is and what is to come. Struggling to make sense of this existence, I push against my past attempting to shove it out of sight, where it belongs. The present is a muddle I can't puzzle out: the future is what I reach out for, with arms trembling with desire.
Longing for some kind of coherency between these three states, I fumble along as best I can. Should I ignore the past since it can't be changed anyhow? What about the future? Is it insanity to grope for it like a blind man in the dark? The here and now should, perhaps, be my primary focus. But of these three states of my existence it's the present which most befuddles me. Most days unravel in a dream state from which I emerge only when jolted by something unexpected. My PTSD is triggered, and suddenly I become painfully aware of my body, my senses, the thoughts tumbling through my brain like clothes in a dryer. I'm jolted out of my trance long enough to note this latest intrusion, and then I dart back inside where it is safe, or feels safe.
Most days are spent playing catch up. There is shame in not finishing whatever small goals I delianated for myself the day before. Is there old business to wrap up before taking on the new? Well then, my day is already operating on a deficit, at a disadvantage. How to proceed when everything piles up faster than I can move?
I think wistfully of my dreams, my beautiful dreams. They seem rather hopeless, silly even. Are they nothing but mirages on the sere landscape of my desert exile? For exiled I am, sent to my soul's Siberia by my earliest abusers, banished for blemishes in my character of which I was not even;)
aware. One can get used to living in exile, I've discovered. So much so that any talk of freedom strikes me as insulting and inane.
I live in the little pockets of longing between yesterday, today and tomorrow, ever searching for that elusive something which will bring my world once more into focus. I'm not exactly miserable, I'm not angry nor cast down (except upon awakening each new morning.) What I am is existing, simply existing.
Musings 
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Reader Comments (2)
I read this post: http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/the-best-time-of-age/ just after reading yours. Interesting that both of you talk about past, present, and future, though from very different perspectives.
The past is in the past, yes, but it is also in the present -- it has repercussions. Of course revisiting it can be helpful -- or unhelpful, depending on the nature of the visit. Call that T! :)
You beat me to this topic! I've been thinking about writing about it too. You put it so beautifully, Beautiful! I'm still going to write about it before long, though...