Pledge of Allegiance

For several years I've struggled with an in-law situation which has been the source of much stress and puzzlement. Never one to understand (let alone have the ability to enforce) healthy boundaries, I've shrugged off this individual's condescending attitude towards me, not seeing it for what it is: an insult to my dignity as a human being. I've borne with slights, rudeness and a sense of entitlement, thinking that I, the older more mature woman, could achieve something good through my patient endurance.

Last night after a long chat with Sissyface concerning this situation, she expressed shock at the way in which this individual treated me recently.

"She never treats me that way," she said.

After a pause (being a bit shocked myself), I said, "Really? I thought she was rude to everyone."

"Not like that," Sissyface said. "She has it in for you big time, and it's really pissing me off."

The thing is, I'm uncomfortable with anger on my behalf. Don't, is what I want to say when someone expresses such anger for my sake. I may as well follow this with, I'm not worth it, for that's what I came to realize last night long after my conversation with Sissyface. Deep within me, beneath the hardscrabble surface of my little girl's broken heart, lies the bone of shame I buried so long ago that I can't say just when and how I did so, the bone of shame with which my mother tried to satisfy my love hunger upon her discovery that she'd married a pedophile.

If my own mother didn't consider me valuable enough to protect, then it must be wrong to ever stand up for myself. Isn't that the bottom line in all this? Isn't this why I can endure years of mistreatment when others, in a similar position, would long ago have exploded?

I see myself time and again graciously going out of my way--jeopardizing my health even--to help this person with the snotty attitude. And the message I see me relaying loud and clear is, "I'm not worth standing up for, so treat me how you will." Not everyone would trample on someone simply because they can. I recognize that this person has issues of her own, or she wouldn't treat me this way. I know she had an abusive mother, and I'm sure that my being old enough to be her mother is triggering. But I want to be careful here. Triggers and issues are one thing; because of them are we thus absolved of accountability for our behavior? And what of me? Does the underlying, pathetic bone of shame make it okay for me to consent to (let's face it) collude on some level with this person's abuse of me?

I see now that the mortification of being the unloved little girl my mother chose not to defend has never dissipated. All it takes is for one selfish individual to treat me as if I'm beneath them, and instantly my need to change this attitude towards me (by proving what a good person I am) kicks in, and I'm on auto pilot.

I imagine--oh I just imagine!--that in the aftermath of my mother's decision to side with my abuser, I felt a burning need to prove her decision to be misguided. I could, perhaps, win her over with easy compliance and my simple good-natured self. I could dispel her unspoken accusation of my innate unworthiness by being the perfect daughter.

Today I'm still attempting the impossible. A different playing field with a whole new set of characters, but I haven't traveled so very far in 4 decades, having never moved more than an inch or so away from the buried bone of shame to which I've pledged my allegiance.

Comments

[Marcy]

That's tough, Beauty -- especially with a long history of this pattern. It can be so hard to start treating an existing relationship differently. You are worth standing up for, and no, loving well doesn't include being a doormat.

[Austin]

It seems as if holiday times bring up a lot of these issues.