Moving Day

The movers are coming in about an hour to move Sissyface to her new condo. Endings are always sad for me, even when they lead to good new beginnings. They trigger something in me. This morning, though, I realized that because I've been part of the process of getting Sissyface ready to move, I don't feel quite so abandoned as I would have otherwise. I can't imagine what it will be like to not have her living a few units away, nor am I at all sure I'm going to enjoy being the new apartment manager. Having my landlady pop in several times at the beginning of each month to collect rent checks is going to feel intrusive, that's for sure. I did get her to agree to call me first before coming over. She used to simply use her key when Sissyface was manager, and back when I was living with her it was a constant trigger to have the landlady barge in like that. I'm not sure she'll abide by our phone ahead agreement, but I hope so.

But I'm digressing. What I meant to say is that I've come to realize how easily dependent I become on others. I've relied too much, perhaps, on having my sister so close at hand, on the spontaneous walks to the pub for breakfast, or her dropping by after work to chat. I know that Sissyface isn't my source of strength, and that's as it should be. No human being can ever be that for anyone. But. Isn't it okay to wish that she wasn't moving, that things wouldn't change? We've had impromptu barbecues here with various of my sons and grandkids, we've gone on shopping sprees, totally unplanned, and I think it's these spur-of-the-moment get togethers which will cause me the most pain now that they've come to an end. She says that nothing will change, but of course it will. She'll have to make a point to drive out here, so even though there may still be an element of spontaneity it won't be like before.

I'm not exactly depressed about this, or maybe I am. I feel dispirited, which I suppose is the same thing. I'm not mourning, but I'm not as happy for her as I'd like to be. I tell myself that atleast now I won't have to hide myself away every time our mother comes to visit. That's a definite silver lining. That's really the only good I can see in her move, and of course I'm looking at it mostly from my own selfish interests, not considering what she might gain from her relocation.

I drove to the bank, and then the grocery store this morning in a fog after having run into Sissyface outside. Before leaving I wandered into her nearly empty apartment, marveling at how big it looks. This will be Maddy and Anna's new home, and how odd it will be to visit them in her old apartment. As I drove to the bank I kept reminding myself, I'm driving this car. It was so hard concentrating, and it didn't help any that I had to borrow my son's van to run my errands. It's so much bigger than what I'm used to driving that it throws me out of balance every time. In the store I remembered back when Sissyface used to give me grocery money each month, and I'd make lunches for her every day. It seems so long ago, but it's only been a year.

Changes. Nothing stays the same, that's the beauty and the pain of life. Though I can't imagine ever wanting to move again, who knows where I'll be a year from now? After all I never thought I'd live in the same complex as my sister, never thought I'd ever be able to relocate back to my native state--yet here I am.

I don't like change but I know that it can be good for me. And so as this day continues unwinding I'll try to go with the flow, to remind myself of much harder ordeals I've been through without falling apart.

Comments

[Austin]

You're allowed to fall apart, to mourn and feel grief over the closeness. You're at the same time allowed to feel joy for her. You don't have to feel one or the other.

[enola]

It sounds like you've got a pretty good start understanding of your emotions - what you are feeling and why. That is certainly moving in the right direction.

As far as the landlady, what about one of those chain locks? That would keep her from just barging in, and might get the point across gently.

[beauty]

Enola,

I've actually considered getting chain locks. I think it would give me more of a sense of security, now if I can just remember to get them!

[Austin]

look for them at your local dollar store.

[beauty]

Austin,

Thanks, that's a good tip!

[AstrologyReadings]

Hey, great blog. Keep up the good work!