First Things First
Getting Down to Basics
Please Sign
Ponder This

This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 

 

Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.

 

Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.

 

It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.

 

 

There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 

 

 

On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This area does not yet contain any content.
« My Beauties | Main | Garage Sale Woes »
Tuesday
Jun232009

Declaration of Independence

In light of my new realization of my mother's complete antipathy towards me (which my heart knew long before my slow thought processes caught up), I've come to some definite conclusions. Rome wasn't built in a day; I don't expect to be able to do a major overhaul of my mind-sets overnight. What I can do is vow to work on the following:

I will no longer:

  • Hold myself accountable for the decisions my mother made decades ago, much less the ensuing dysfunctions and lifetime sorrows which--for so many individuals-- followed in their wake.
  • Automatically denigrate myself because that's the role forced on me as a child (my step-dad calling me an idiot, and my mother laughing, always laughing.)
  • Feel sorry for my mother, when I can't even give myself permission to feel sorrow on my own behalf.
  • Cultivate and nurture feelings of guilt as the result of not being able to love my mother, or have contact with her.
  • Continue diminishing my value, dreams and sorrows, as a sort of penance for being the redheaded stepchild in the family: the one child who was the bridge between the past (my mother's first brood), and the future (the family with which she replaced her original children.)
  • Perpetuate my own dumbing-down, a habit so deeply ingrained in me from years of being the family scapegoat that I've only recently begun realizing how insidious is its hold on me (both the habit itself, and the need to indulge in it.)
  • Apologize to anyone for the areas in my life and character which are in some manner out of whack, or what are not considered "normal" by those who insist on labeling things.
  • Waste another moment attempting to puzzle out the whys of who and what my mother is. I will learn to let the facts speak for themselves (for when they do, they speak volumes.) My mother abused me, end of story. The driving force behind her treatment of me, her motivations--neither of these are things I've anything to do with. Trying to sort it all out into some kind of sense is crazy-making at its best.
  • Listen to anyone making excuses for my mom. She wasn't a victim, she doesn't deserve the compassion every true victim needs and is entitled to.
  • Perpetuate my step-dad and mother's attitude towards me. I do this, unthinkingly, mostly by poking cruel fun at myself.
  • Continue searching for the one thing I did that turned my mother against me.
  • Go out of my way to make family members feel okay about having a relationship with my mom.
  • Lower my head in the presence of anyone. (Well, God of course.)
  • Stifle my moments of joy and pleasure because of the lie that I don't deserve them.
  • Deny that I'm angry all the way to the bone, and full of sorrow.
  • Speak words I don't mean because others want to be flattered.

These are the things I plan to work on. Because Sissyface told me the truth about my mother's attitude towards me, I feel that for the first time in my entire life I can begin the process of grieving. Grieving what I sorely needed and never got as a child: a mother who loved, adored, nurtured and protected me.

PrintView Printer Friendly Version

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (3)

You've outlined a giant task for yourself. As you said, it will take time, but I believe you can do it. How wonderful it will be for you to be free of those things you list.

June 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertricia

Continue searching for the one thing I did that turned my mother against me.

I tried so hard to figure that one out but I'm not so certain there's an answer to it.

Lower my head in the presence of anyone. (Well, God of course.

I do this a lot. Even in my writing I do it. When I write mostly in lower case letters it's a symbol of lowering my head to show humility and being less than.

There's so much we survivors were taught about ourselves and about our place in the world that as adults it's as if we have to grow up all over again. We have to, like children, become comfortable in our own skin, have confidence in our abilities and figure out where we fit in the grand scheme of things. We're late bloomers we are.

Austin

June 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAustin

I'm glad to read what you wrote about your mother not being a victim. The fact of the matter is, even if she WAS a victim it would still be HER job to take responsibility and work through her own shit. No one can do that for another person and projecting it onto a child isn't going to solve it.

My mother really IS a victim (she's a war refugee for crissakes) but even so, she has to take whatever responsibility she can for her life. And she has to not take it out on me either. It's too easy for her to avoid her own shit by making me a scapegoat. As I've gotten stronger and more confident and gained more skills for holding my own I've started to turn the mirror back on her and made her own her stuff to the degree that's possible for her. Because her negative projections are the bad habit of a lifetime it's very easy for her to slide into old habits, but at this point she knows we won't be seeing each other at all unless she can take it. She's old enough and scared enough now to be willing to do that now and again, but I wouldn't exactly say we see each other very often, if you get my drift.

I completely support you in your declaration of independence and if there is anything I can do to further that, just holla.

hugs
wily

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwily

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>