My Inheritance

The last I'd heard (from Sissyface), my inheritance from Mom will be her set of cookbooks. Hmm, okay . . . I can't see me using them, but okay. I suppose in some miserly fashion this is her way of including me in the distribution of her worldly goods.

Then the other day we were discussing the will and she mentioned the proceeds from the sale of Mom's house being split six ways. She was including me and my older brother this time.

"I thought he and I weren't in on the proceeds from the house," I said, puzzled now. Did something change, or did she assume last time the subject came up that I knew we'd be included?

"Oh sure, you both are," she assured me.

Immediately a little light bulb when on over my head. I imagined myself coming into this money, and having some financial breathing room for a change. Careful, I told myself, remembering the plans I'd had to forfeit when the state took my stimulus money. Still, I couldn't seem to help myself. And of course there was instant guilt that I would even consider taking money which had anything to do with my mother.

I've been mulling this over. I wobble back and forth in my thinking from are you kidding, she owes me! to I wouldn't accept that money if I was starving.

Blood money, maybe. But part of it was my blood, both figuratively speaking and literally. My virgin blood was shed in the House of Incest, in fact it was partly the loss of my virginity at the hands of her hubby that made her living in style possible. I'm sure these words were never spoken between them, but what it came down to was give my your daughter and I'll buy you anything you want. (This isn't the same house, though, thank goodness.)

Should I profit from any of this? Am I looking at this issue from a warped point of view?

I ask myself why I shouldn't receive some compensation for having been raised by this woman. I tell myself to look at it this way, here's (finally) the financial boost I've been needing, and isn't it true that through the years she's helped out pretty much everyone but me? Well here's a chance to be included, at last.

My tears are priceless. She couldn't reimburse me for all that it cost me to grow up in that house of horrors.

The need to multiply into many--you can't put a price tag on that either, but just to be sarcastic for a moment, shouldn't each of my parts, if you want to get nit-picky about it, get a slice of the pie?

Money is cold comfort, no recompense for all that was stolen from me during the season of childhood. But getting on my high horse and refusing to accept what would make my life a bit easier is no comfort either.

Am I just greedy, then? Has a little seed of greediness been lurking in the soil of my character all this time, growing silently and slowly until an opportunity like this came along?

It's so appropriate that the only thing my mother has for me is cold money. No treasured keepsakes, nothing that might accidentally stir up yearning emotions. If I could choose between the money and a handwritten letter from her in which she honestly explains the why of my childhood, I'd choose the letter any day. But that will never happen, and so I'm to be left with money.

Am I going to take it?

You better believe it. I may be a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them!

Comments

[Austin]

That's a hard one but I agree with you totally, don't be stupid Beauty take the money. It could be like shooting yourself in the foot not to. If there's any benefit to her existence at all it may be money at the time you need it most. It's strange though because it's like she's saying, everything I've ever done I've done for myself but my last cold gesture will be to benefit my children. Some never learn nor do they accept what they've done as damaging and violently immoral. They act in ways that only their species understand and that's with cold, hard, soulless cash. It's sad.

Austin

[Enola]

My therapist and my husband and his therapist were having a joint session one time when this subject came up. I mentioned wondering what I'd do if my father died and left me money and would I take it. Their response - damn straight you take it. Take it and run. Money received after death = no strings.

[Paul]

You make very valid points. You have to come to peace (or not) with this on your own. But if it were me in your shoes just my reading what you've written over the past couple months I've been reading your blog about your family, I would try to come to the conclusion that this is but a small way of repaying for what was done to you.

[beautifuldreamer]

It's typical of my mother's character that the only thing she would/could ever offer me of value would be money. It's the one thing she's put above all else. I think she's including me only because she doesn't want to look bad in the eyes of the rest of the family. Or maybe it's a payoff: giving me money to bribe her guilty conscience. Either way, I figure I come out the winner. Unlike her, if any of my loved ones need my help once I come into this money, that will come before anything else.

But I'm also buying something for me!

[Ivory]

I've heard that a lot of people find humility and want forgiveness as they near their death bed. I'm not going to hold my breath for my mother to do this, but maybe including you in the money part of her will is the only way your mother feels she can make amends.

Either way, yes, you aren't stupid - I'd take the money, too. (my mother is giving me her photo albums... and a partridge in a pear tree...)

[Kate]

Hi,

I can understand exactly what you are saying. I took some money after my mother's death. It was to help me finish college. It was not an admission of abuse, she had abused me in every way. But it was something I used to make my life easier and to reach a much-loved goal. One that she stopped me from going for when I was nineteen.

In the book/movie A Civil Action the attorney tells the family that the money is the apology. Not a very good apology, but still it is something.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate