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The Me I've Become
Monday, May 3, 2010 at 7:32AM I'm writing this from my bedroom where I finally have a computer hooked up. Two 1960's Barbie dolls, one in black and white striped swimsuit and sunglasses, the other wearing a black evening gown and heels, are perched on top of my monitor, mementos from my long ago childhood. These dolls are not for playing with; when a grandchild spies them I shoo her away as if guarding a valuable museum piece.
This weekend my mother flew into town for my niece's graduation from nursing school. Her sister, who I haven't seen in over 40 years, was also in attendance, as well as one of my brothers who cut himself off from me and my kids about 10 years ago. All very good reasons for absenting myself. I'm getting used to the necessity for making myself scarce on certain family occasions, but there is always that little twinge of resentment that I must once again make way for others as I back out as gracefully as possible.
Though I don't expect life to be fair, I cast around for something to sort of even things out. What good things have happened lately to counterbalance my odd-man-out status? Probably what excites me the most is reconnecting with Suz, my old childhood friend. We live several hours from each other, but she's already visited me once. I had worried the old chemistry might be forever gone and we would desperately grope for things to talk about, but the moment she knocked on my door it was as if we were 11 years old again, hanging out and goofing off.
As we sat on the couch chattering away like magpies, I started to say something, then interrupted myself to say, "Wait, hair in mouth." As I extracated the offending hair she began to laugh hysterically.
"You used to do that when we were kids," she said with a gasp. "I'd forgotten that till now. We'd be talking and you'd say in this deadpan voice, "Wait, hair in mouth." How surreal to be visiting with someone who knew me so long ago, who could see me do something and relate it to something I used to do over 40 years ago! The resuming of our friendship is as comforting as wrapping an old, worn soft blanket around me like a hug. There were other things she commented on, little quirks of mine she remembered from those long ago days of childhood. But I didn't exist back then, I nearly said, but of course I did, for here was all the proof I needed: someone with whom I used to be joined at the hip, who saw me in ways my step dad and mother never did.
The resuming of that old connection is like discovering money in an old forgotten bank account. Every time we hung out together as kids I was investing in that account, depositing riches I would some day--during my nana years--need to withdraw. Suz is a touch of sanity in my often confusing world. She's kooky and full of life. I used to envy her ability to be exactly who she is, to live honestly with integrity.
While she played her guitar and sang I felt as though my heart were being serenaded. I'd forgotten that she had these talents! What else had I forgotten? Perhaps the ease with which I used to lean on her, our bodies casually touching in the most innocent of ways. My body began remembering, for I found myself during our recent visit touching her arm frequently as we laughed, rediscovering the contentment of feeling deliciously at ease.
Nothing can really make up for the dysfunctions in my family of origin which make it impossible for me to be a full participant in family get togethers, but Suz's friendship takes some of the sting out of that tired song and dance of not belonging.
I know you, her very presence seems to say.
I enjoy you, she might as well say every time her eyes look at me with delight.
I know that when she looks at me with the same expression she must see reflected on my face (a sort of stunned joy), she is seeing my little girl self of decades ago, but also the me who has grown into my adult self. A nana, a stumble-bum, but the me my younger self was in the process of becoming all along.
Childhood, Friendship
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