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Not Fade Away
Friday, December 28, 2012 at 8:15AM
We are scared.
We try to hide so no one will see us and decide to get rid of us.
We don’t want to go away.
We don’t deserve to be treated this way but Willie Ray is a bully and the mother doesn’t care, and we have to come out so Debbie can hide.
Now she is watching movies. There is Willie Ray smirking. There is the mother smiling like nothing’s wrong. There is the older brother. He will soon be sent away. She is watching this and plotting. Plotting to get better which means plotting to get rid of us.
We love her more than the mother ever did, but she will get rid of us.
She sees the movies and thinks she is going back in time, but it is always that time for us. Stuck in the Sixties is not a funny phrase. For us it is real. We hear Willie Ray’s voice and we try to tune it out, but no matter who comes out they have to listen and pretend to be obedient or you know what happens.
The mother has a new baby but that doesn’t change anything. In the movies they make she holds and kisses the baby, but sometimes Debbie watches it more than anyone else.
Nobody ever asks us how we are doing. No one notices us or cares if we are blue or angry or lonesome. It is very lonely in here because we don’t all like each other, but I’m not telling who is writing this. Nobody better tell, it’s my secret.
Willie Ray is a bully and the mother prefers bullies to being poor, so she’s not about to make him leave.
There is a cold wind blowing in here and we can’t get warm. Some in here are howling louder than the wind. No one on the outside guesses that we are all grieving for something. We help Debbie act normal and happy, but she’s not. Willie Ray and the mother have their games and their dishonesty, so we can have ours. Ha ha, they can’t control everything, not even Willie Ray with his tattoos and his stupid jokes and the billy club he plunges into us whenever he wants.
Williey Ray is a bastard. We can’t say what the mother is because she’s the mother but she’s not so nice herself, only looks like it from a distance or in movies. You notice her beauty and how kind she seems but it is not kindness to let Willie Ray shove us around all the time. All the livelong day shoving and smirking and shaming. What a stupid stupid man.
We don’t want to fade away like we never existed. It’s not fair.
I know it’s not nice but I wish Debbie will stay all broken so that we never have to leave. We can help her better than anyone so she doesn’t need anyone else but us.
We don’t want to fade away.
This was written by none of your beeswax.
Reader Comments (13)
Dear little ones,
I hear you. You're right about all of it. Except -- I don't know for sure, but I think it's so -- I think that if Debbie gets better, you will be one with her. You won't fade away -- you will become whole. I would love to sit down with all of you and do whatever it is you like best, one at a time, until you've each had enough.
I won't be mean to you marcy because Debbie likes you but adults don't do what they say they will so I bet you would not do stuff with all of us. You would get tired and cranky and someone would be left out, so maybe not. Maybe we don't want to get all happy and then you don't come and you don't come and we are left here crying and cold, and with the stepdad who real name is willie ray. I said his name on here and it scares some but i desided I will say it if I want to, he is no kind of dad if you want to know the truth.
I know. And I do have limits -- I couldn't be a perfect mom to you guys. I could do a little, and I would do all I could with all my heart. I have a little girl of my own, and I have worked hard to learn how to get support for myself, so that I can be the best mom I can be for her. You guys deserve a mom like that, and one even better than that. Debbie is doing the best she can, too.
I have also known the great pain of a kindness that doesn't last, or that seems to be charity and not about liking me myself at all. I have learned -- just a tiny bit -- that a kindness can still be real even when it's just once and for a short time -- that's so hard, I know. Part of me would rather have no kindness at all.
All I can say is, you need and deserve and are worthy of and should have, only and always love, love to the deepest corners, love to the farthest ends, love that loves even when tired and cranky and doesn't take tired crankiness out on little ones, love that abides and rests and fills everywhere. You didn't get enough of it, and neither did Debbie, and neither did I, and it's tragic.
I know Jesus loves me, and Debbie, and all of you -- and sometimes I get angry and hurt because Jesus seems far away and I can't ever see or hear him and I feel sometimes he's left me to believe in and imagine him all on my own and that's not fair. But I am trying, trying to at least be open to his love -- it sounds fantastic, and I am trying to trust that it's true. And he never ever gets tired or cranky or leaves anyone out or fails to come back.
Well Jesus is your best friend I am 7 and I know it. He showed me somethin once but i can't tell because it's special for just the two fo us.
We get a headache hearing about love but you can say it if you mean it and someone maybe will hear it and like it anyway. Some things hurt a lot even if they are good.
You could be our away friend and that is something i bet some people don't have. I would play with your girl but she can't come to my house becaus you are too far away from here.
Someone was suppose to help me writ this and they won't so i know most words are ok but some I can't spell so good. Anyway I like candy a lot and coloring and stickers and kittys, and i bet you like some of those. Willie ray don't like anything if you ask me. I wonder why God made him like that.
Thinking about love gives me a headache sometimes, too.
I would love to be your away friend.
I like all the things you listed, except I don't like candy as much as I used to. I still like chocolate, but not hard candies. My girl, who is six, loves all kinds of candy. My kitty is on my lap right now.
WIsh I could tell you what was wrong with Willie Ray. Something for sure is wrong with him. I wish people with stuff wrong with them could get fixed, and not have their wrong stuff ruin other people's lives.
Willie ray died so now he can't be fixed. Don't you think that sad?
I think we are friends and i don't care if you don't like candy so much. Sometimes I don't either.
This is jenny.
But he not really dead. I know he's not dead cause he's still here, but people say he died.
I do think it's sad, for him. For you, I am glad that he is gone, out of reach, and cannot add to the ways he has already harmed you.
Jenny, if we didn't live so far away, I would save up any candy I get and pass it to you!
Oh!!! I would love that and cake.
:) <3
"There is a cold wind blowing and I can't get warm" she says...
How I relate to this -- and have even spoken the same words, in lonely comfort to mine own self.
I think it comes, from not knowing the warmth of another's heart.
And seeing a "mother" give warmth to another... even your betrayer.
But I am here, Beautiful Dreamer, and your Champion from earlier comments who cares for you so.
You were alone then.
Our hearts are with you now.
If you but reach out, you may feel our hands...
Sleep peacefully, Little Dreamer, and remember how far you have traveled, how brave you ARE.
-- SynthGirl
www.SynthiaMasters.com
Such encouraging, comforting words, Synth. Thanks so much for reaching out to me, and reminding me how far I've traveled. I have made it through many dark times, and I have faith to believe that I will continue to move forward.
It is so inspiring to think how we can all help one another heal just by sharing our stories, and by offering words of encouragement like healing balm.
We're so glad you wrote and hope you'll write more if you feel safe enough to do it.
~Kali and the rest