Lie Detector Test

Let's say you're a mother who, ten years ago, lost all contact with her daughter resulting from poor choices you made during her childhood years. Suppose those poor choices consisted of, among other things, choosing to stay with a spouse who was a pedophile.

Perhaps it's worth noting that I know a little about motherhood myself, having raised 5 sons. I can't imagine one of them deciding to end his relationship with me. I would be devastated and heartbroken beyond measure, going through my days feeling as though a vital part of myself were missing. Grief would overwhelm me in that all-consuming way known to mothers who have lost a child. Whatever role I played in the destruction of the relationship I would willingly admit to, begging forgiveness. There's nothing I wouldn't do to mend things and, as for my pride, well it would play no part in my efforts towards reconciliation.

All this preamble is leading up to the relating of my mother's latest attempt to vindicate herself in my eyes. Sissyface informed me that she'd called her recently and said she knew exactly what it would take to prove, once and for all, that she'd had no knowledge of my stepdad's abuses during those years I spent under their dreary roof: she would take a lie detector test, proving her innocence.

I have issues with this. First thing that comes to mind is that no one in the family has been confronting or harassing her about past events. This tells me that her decision to take the test is largely for her own benefit. I believe she needs to prove to herself that she was the kind of mother she'd like to think she is--the kind who protects her children from any and all harm.

She's forgotten or convieniantly set aside the fact that she witnessed her hubby molesting me when I was 11. Whether or not she knew about the funny business going on before that, at least from that moment on she knew without a doubt she'd married a pedophile. She's so determined to prove she had no knowledge of the sexual abuse during my earlier years that she overlooks the obvious: when she did find out, nothing happened. Nothing changed. My stepdad was not held responsible for his actions. I wasn't sent to live with my real father. Counseling was not provided for me. Day after day continued as it had for years, with me fearful at every step and many mornings stumbling to the bus stop after having been assaulted yet again.

What difference does it make, really, whether or not my mother knew about the abuse when it first began? If knowing later on didn't result in action on her part, would she have taken action at the beginning?

I find it sad that an eighty-something woman, nearing the last years of her life, chooses to vindicate herself rather than humble herself and admit to some hard truths. She's taken the test and passed it. This doesn't prove a thing to me. Lie detector tests are not admissible in court, and for good reason. I've a feeling that if one lies to oneself consistently for decades and believes those lies, it would be easy to pass such a test.

I'm angry and sickened that my mother is more concerned with vindicating herself than in putting out sincere attempts to reconcile with me. It's as if she doesn't regret having lost me and doesn't particularly miss having me in her life, but she sure wants everyone to know of her innocence before she leaves this earth.

Her last effort before this to convince me that she is not guilty was the letter she sent me last year, stating that my stepdad is burning in hell, but she's confident that she won't be joining him there. I pity such blindness even as it repulses me.

What will a woman give in exchange for her soul?

As I mull all of this over I realize there are only two questions I'd really like answers to, if my mother were capable of telling the truth. The first is, why was I kept from my father for 7 1/2 years? The other is, why did she stay with a pedophile? Oh, I suppose I know the answer to that one well enough, but I'd like just once to hear her admit to it. I'd like to hear her confess that she'd grown accustomed to her creature comforts and just couldn't bear the thought of having to go on welfare or get a job. Because, in the end, that's what it all boils down to. I was sold into sexual slavery so that she could enjoy her middle-class comforts.

On some level she knows this, or she wouldn't be trying so hard to prove otherwise.

Comments

[Sooz]

I agree that a person can delude themselves and ultimately pass a lie detector test, it's been proven time and again that some people can control their body temp and pulse (and whatever else those tests use) to not cause a stimulation/reaction.

I pity her because I know what a loving and committed mom and friend you are!

[Kali]

Wow, that's heavy, sad and scary. I'm so sorry, BD. I hope she can somehow find it in herself at some point to humble herself rather than vindicate herself. I don't expect it, but I hope that for you--and for her.

I hope your move went well and things have come together well in your new home and living situation.

[beautifuldreamer]

Sooz,

The following is an excerpt from an article on how to beat a lie detector test. The last paragraph is especially, um, interesting:

Throw off the machine’s reading of the control questions by changing your blood pressure and heart rate. It’s difficult to do, but with practice, the next few methods and countermeasures will prompt your body to do so. Do some of the following when replying to control questions:

Develop a breathing strategy. Throughout the test (except during control questions) maintain a normal breathing rate of 15-30 breaths per minute. Do not breathe too deeply. Then alter breathing rate with control questions. You can make it faster or slower, you can hold your breath for a couple of seconds after an exhalation, or you can breathe more shallowly, for example. Do this for 5-15 seconds, and return to your normal breathing pattern before the next question. As explained above, the polygrapher will compare your physiological responses to control questions to your responses to relevant questions. If the deviation from normal during control questions exceeds the deviation from normal during relevant questions, you will pass. If, however, you react more to a relevant question than to control questions, the polygrapher will perceive (rightly or wrongly) that you are lying in response to something relevant—you will fail the polygraph.

Do math in your head. During control questions do something mentally complex. For example, count backwards in your head as quickly as possible or do some quick long division, as you are answering the question.

Think about something exciting or frightening; think of things that make you ecstatic, fearful, or frustrated.

Bite your tongue. Bite the side of your tongue hard enough to cause pain, but not so hard as to draw blood. Practice this in a mirror to be sure the polygrapher cannot detect it. This is highly effective, but may be detectable if you have to speak for an extended period, because you can’t bite while you’re speaking. Only use this method if you can give a quick “yes” or “no” response, which, luckily, will be most of the time.

Insert a small nail or tack in the toe area of your shoe and press down on this during the control questions to elicit a pain response. This is a sound method, but it is easily defeated if the polygrapher asks you to remove your shoes.

Contract your anal sphincter muscle when a control question is asked. While also highly effective, this method may (or may not) be discovered with the use of pressure-sensitive seat pads that are now commonly used.

[beautifuldreamer]

Hi Kali,

Thanks for leaving your comment.

I doubt my mother will ever stop attempting to vindicate herself. If she hasn't by now, in the 8th decade of her life, it's unlikely she ever will.

I don't even hope she changes her tune for I know that even if she did it is too late for any kind of reconciliation. It's been said that forgiveness takes only one person, but reconciliation takes two. How true! I couldn't reconcile with my mother because of what it would cost me to do so. I can forgive her, but that's as far as I can go.

Sad, that it has come to this, but she set everything in motion when she chose a pedophile over the well-being of her children.