First Things First
Getting Down to Basics
Please Sign
Ponder This

This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 

 

Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.

 

Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.

 

It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.

 

 

There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 

 

 

On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This area does not yet contain any content.
« Things That Pleased Me Recently | Main | I'm Getting There »
Saturday
Dec132014

Can't Buy Me Love

Money is so difficult for me to write about. Everyone needs it, just like food and water. In fact in order to have food and water to live, one must have money.

I've explored this subject off and on during my years of blogging, always tracing my discomfort with money issues back to my childhood. This is right, I believe. Just about anything that distresses me can be traced back to that era. But have I truly gotten to the bottom of why money is so emotionally hard for me to deal with?

It's that time of the year again when gifts are exchanged, regardless of one's financial status. I love giving gifts. I used to love Christmas, but, again, I find it has become a burden.

Is it because I'm on a fixed income that Christmas has become such a chore? I've assumed so; certainly having to scrape by doesn't do much for the Christmas spirit.

But is that all  there is to this?

I want to think this through carefully, methodically even, and once and for all pinpoint the heart of my trouble. I'm fed up with having this hanging over me all the time. I hate money; I've assumed I hate it because I never have enough of it, but I wonder. There have been times when I've come into a small windfall, and I didn't enjoy spending it any more than I enjoy spending what I scrape together each month for bills and food.

What is it about money that I identify with in such a basic, and negative way?

My father was poor his entire life. Does that have anything to do with it? My father always scraped by. He never had money in a savings account to fall back on. He scrimped just like I do, barely making ends meet.

My father, during the first 7 years of my existence, was my entire world. Did my sensitive spirit so identify with him that I need, in some twisted fashion, to be wedded to poverty as a means of staying connected to him? Do I think in some dark, narrow hallway of my mind that if I ever became financially stable it would be tantamount to being disloyal to him?

For me money evokes sadness, anxiety, fear, anger and depression. Whether I have it or not, this is what it evokes in me. My first emotion upon touching money is deep sadness. It makes me want to weep. It panics me.

My mother sold me to her hubby for financial security. Of course that's a huge part of this. I used to think it was all of it. I'm not certain of anything now. I doubt it's going to turn out to be that uncomplicated. I think it's that, and a whole bunch of stuff about my dad all squished together.

I hate that I hate money. In a world where one needs it to survive, it's an inconvenience to hate it. Having to deal with this on an ongoing basis is one more source of stress that zaps my little bit of energy.

The other day as I was thinking of getting my memoir published, I realized that my initial feelings of euphoria about being the author of a published book would be nearly instantly replaced with feelings of absolute devastation. It will make me feel like I want to die. Because I sold out, because I capitalized on my sufferings? Maybe. Probably.

The Beatles had it right when they sang, "Can't buy me love . . ." I don't trust the cold, hard nature of money. I don't trust what some people are willing to do for it, what they're willing to sacrifice, even sometimes the well-being of their own children.

I wrote all of the above before Christmas and just now discovered this post. I'm not sure what conclusion, if any, it might have led to. I have nothing to add to it; I'm not agonizing over money at the moment but I will. It's what I always do.

 

PrintView Printer Friendly Version

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (1)

I agree whole heartedly that money can bring out the evil in people who appear good and of sound judgement.
I dislike how it divides society in a rank war. Those will little are looked down on and used by others as objects to gain more. Some even pity the poor and adopt them in some sort of charity game, a game that boosts their ego.
The poor are angry at the rich for being a used. Some poor believe all wealthy think highly of thselves while looking right through the poor.
Money has always divided people. Add power , influence and authority and you will see all a person turn into a criminal. Hardly ever does that mix turn out well.
Money is simple but it complicates our lives like nothing else.

When you publish your book and receive funds, those funds will be for the hard work you put in to compiling it, to editing it and for accomplishing your dream.
When I sell art related to PTSD or abuse I don't feel as if I'm selling out. It's almost as if I've turned the tables. PTSD no longer has total control or the last say. I support my household with the ironic twist of selling the very disorder that keeps me impoverished.
Money is so complicated. For some it makes them feel superior or even equal. Others see the damage it can do and therefore turn away. It's complicated.
It's also 4:30am. I hope I made sense in my ramble.
Faith

Love the sunflowers in your header. I was thinking about snagging the bike theme. I have great memories of riding. I miss it a lot.

January 26, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterFaith

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>