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This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 

 

Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.

 

Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.

 

It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.

 

 

There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 

 

 

On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tuesday
Jun172014

A Much Needed Assurance

A gentle assurance keeps sweeping over me in the aftermath of learning that my ex is a pedophile. While I go about my days creating dinners for myself and the two sons staying with me, or creating a world of my own making with words on paper, at random moments I feel a great sense of assurance, as if I'm being comforted.

You are free from that crippling guilt, someone inside tells me. My own thoughts? I don't know where they come from. You no longer have to hold onto the guilt you've suffered from that farce of a marriage. Oh, this gets my attention; I lean into this thought, holding it close to me for fear it will flit away. But it doesn't. If anything it simply deepens, filling so many empty spaces inside of me.

I find a graphic online that basically tells me actions speak louder than words, and I think, "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten that."

I'd forgotten that it's not what someone says, it's what they do that reveals who they are.

My ex professed to love me. He said he wanted to be a family man. But his actions? Not so much. His actions said just the opposite, for while he was claiming these things he was cheating on me, refusing to support the family he said he wanted, and putting his own needs and desires above all others.

The other night I recalled a disturbing memory. My ex and I had gone out night clubbing with a friend of his for the evening. Always a lightweight, I got pretty drunk after several drinks. On the way home I started to briefly fall asleep in the backseat. When I awoke I felt pretty sick, so I kept my eyes closed hoping to fall back asleep. As I lay there, I heard my hubby tell his friend that he wanted to drive over to so and so's house (some woman I'd never heard of). His friend cocked his head in my direction and said, "What about her?"

My ex scoffed, "She's out of it. She won't know a thing . . ."

I recalled lying there in shock, not sure if I'd heard what I thought I'd heard, or if the booze was affecting my hearing.

I know without a doubt there was nothing wrong with my hearing that night. That my hubby really did treat me with such disdainful disrespect. I wonder how far inside of me I had to go to bury that? I never confronted him with it, knowing he'd only deny it.

There is a certain liberty in discovering the truth, no matter how much it hurts at first. I gave my allegiance to a man unworthy of me, and kept up the farce for decades in my imagination that we'd experienced a tragic love story. We really loved each other, we just couldn't work it out.

Truth? The truth is that I probably never loved him. How could I? I'd determined he was the one before even laying eyes on him. I knew nothing of his character so there was nothing to base love on. He could have been anyone, really. I desperately needed to love and be loved.

He didn't love me either. Love doesn't do harm. Love doesn't disrespect.

Facing this, and other truths, can only expand your writing ability, someone continues. I ponder this, thinking of how many times I've been so close to expressing myself on paper only to come up short because of my frozen emotions. Didn't I have to freeze them in order to survive that horrible marriage? Oh yes, I can now finally admit how miserable I was during those 6 years of marriage. Horrible is an understatement.

Always it takes me years, if not decades, for certain truths to sink in. Rather than be embarrassed by that fact, I may as well just be grateful that it does eventually sink in. The truths I need to know have a way of surfacing when I can no longer go forward in the darkness of not knowing.

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Reader Comments (3)

"The truths I need to know have a way of surfacing when I can no longer go forward in the darkness of not knowing." That is such a beautiful thing. And a much better way of looking at it than just thinking that you never learn a lesson - which is how I usually phrase it when I'm mentally beating myself up. I'm going to try to remember this moving forward.

I hope that this realization sinking in helps you to thaw and free up some of those long-frozen emotions.

June 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTracie

Tracie,

Normally I do berate myself for never learning a lesson. But I realized through processing this ugly stuff about my ex that I've actually had some pretty big truths infuse my life without warning. Ok, so usually what happens is that I then kick myself for taking SO long to learn about this or that. This time though there was a difference, and I don't know why. For some reason, I just decided better late than never. So what if it took me this long?

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I already feel as if I'm beginning to thaw on some deep level.

Beauty

June 17, 2014 | Registered Commenterbeautifuldreamer

In darkness we stumble, knocking into this and that, taking on battle scars as we go. In the light of truth we can reach for this or that, things we need and we can walk a straighter path. We are at the mercy of darkness. We are given mercy when we see, understand and accept truths.

Faith

June 17, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterFaith

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