First Things First
Getting Down to Basics
Please Sign
Ponder This

This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 

 

Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.

 

Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.

 

It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.

 

 

There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 

 

 

On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This area does not yet contain any content.
« Full Disclosure | Main | Throwback Thursday »
Monday
Apr272015

Moving Forward (With or Without You)

I'm learning, finally, to separate my issues from those that don't belong to me. What is to be done with accusations from someone you care about, and called friend? Normally I would soak up the negative attitude towards me, and the accusations, as if they had to be true because someone else was saying them. It's as if I've not allowed myself to ever stand up for myself against lies told against me, because I automatically assumed that if I were being accused of something, I must be guilty.

I know plenty about guilt, especially false guilt. The stepfather was an expert at dumping guilt on others. I suppose that was his way of steering clear of dealing with his own issues and yes, his own very real guilt.

When someone, over the course of years, develops the habit of emotionally and verbally beating you up, at some point you need to take stock and decide if you are willing to have this person continue to abuse you. Is it worth it, just to keep the friendship going? And is it truly a friendship by any definition of the word if you are always the one who is wrong, and they are always right?

I didn't realize, until my friend very abruptly ended our friendship, that having her back in my life, after a few years of estrangement, had been burdensome to me. One of the first things she did upon reentering my life was to friend me on FB, and then about a week later to suggest we no longer be FB friends because I'd posted something she didn't agree with.

I didn't know that friends had to agree about everything. It was easier to unfriend her, if that's what made her happy, than to argue about it. But too often I've had to be the one to take a few steps back, and change who I am in order to measure up to some invisible standard she seems to have for friendship.

It's a revelation to me that you can care about someone, but still let go. You can wish them well, and not bear any ill will towards them, but still be okay with them bowing out of your world.

I've only had a couple of friends in my entire lifetime who made me feel inferior by the way in which they treated me. I'm getting too old to deal with having to defend myself every time I turn around, and I suspect friendship isn't meant to be that way. That's too much like how my stepdad was, and also a number of men I've been involved with in the past.

I'm figuring this life out as I go, just as I imagine everyone else is doing. I feel that I've learned a lot from everyone I've ever been close to, and for that reason I can't regret having known any of them. But oh the freedom of giving myself permission to not persue someone who no longer esteems me--if they ever did.

I'm stronger than I used to be. I can continue on this path I'm on with or without those I once called friends. And I can continue loving those who, for whatever reason, have chosen to move forward without me.

 

 

 

PrintView Printer Friendly Version

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (4)

Having someone you thought to be a friend, be unwilling to accept you unless you agree with them all of the time on every subject is unrealistic but all too often imposed on those such as yourself and Keepers and others who endured any kind of abuse. As an abuse survivor it was your way of life, someone you expected love from loved you in their distorted version of love and respect so that is what the abused continue to expect from others. But, now you are recovering and stronger and relaizing that your opinions and your likes and dislikes are yours, not to be tampered with, not to be subverted but instead you and your feeling are to be respected and honored and if not, then you move forward without the fakers "friendship". I applaud your new acceptance of their having a problem in dealing with others and not you. That does not lessen the hurt or bewilderment but you now know you have the right to be a friend who can still disagree and get along, but if they cannot, so be it. It is their loss not yours.

I apologize for being so verbose but I felt this post in many ways and had to agree with you, not out of frienship but in total agreement.

jm

May 3, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJM

I hope you didn't feel like you HAD to agree with the conclusions of this post, ha ha.

Seriously, it's liberating to reach a point in life where you can see that pursuing some people is a waste of time and energy. That's not to say that they are not persons of value, but there is either something on a basic level that clicks between two individuals, and endures, no matter what, or there isn't.

I suspect too often I've started friendships either out of a sense of feeling like I have no choice (because the other person comes on so strong), or from my own lack of identity. I'm used to others calling all the shots, so in the beginning it's a relief to have the other person make decisions and do things the way they want to. It's only as I've grown stronger that I've begun to solidify in my own mind as the unique being I've had to bury in order to live in this world. I can now see clearly most of the time what I want out of a friendship--and certainly what I don't want and what I'm not willing to settle for.

In saying all this, I should add that I take responsibility for all the times I became involved in a friendship out of neediness, which is never a healthy thing. If I am clingy I am not your friend out of choice but out of desperation. I can see why I haven't always been able to establish healthy boundaries, but this is a new perception for me. For most of my life I couldn't SEE what I was doing wrong.

May 3, 2015 | Registered Commenterbeautifuldreamer

Hey there, just checking in since I haven't seen a new blog post from you in awhile. Hope you are well!

October 1, 2015 | Unregistered Commenteradria

Hi Adria,

I just now saw your comment. I don't get on here much anymore and have pretty much stopped blogging about my DID. I've decided to leave the site up as long as I can because it contains a lot of valuable resources which may be of help to others. Plus, it contains nearly 10 years of writing that I don't want to lose.

I'm doing okay. Struggling with many things, but that's to be expected. My mother is dying, and I just know it's going to hit me hard when she's gone even though we don't have a relationship. So who knows, I may just end up needing to blog about that!

Thanks for stopping by.

January 18, 2016 | Registered Commenterbeautifuldreamer

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>