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This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 

 

Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.

 

Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.

 

It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.

 

 

There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 

 

 

On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Saturday
Apr042015

I Am Not Your Victim Anymore

I felt so good after writing my last blog post that I went on, in the next couple of days, to write 10,000 words on my novel.

Oh, I've been frozen since childhood, haven't I? And then something happened that caused me to thaw and set myself (mentally, emotionally and physically) into motion again. I don't pretend to understand why my rejection of harsh words about one of my alters should do it, but there it is.

Today, a new dentist. I've a fear of dental procedures. So much so that I put off my root canal for 2 whole years.

What am I so afraid of? I kept asking myself in the days leading up to my appointment. Pain, I thought, but then I've given birth 5 times, 2 of them without anything to numb the pain. I've suffered black eyes and other physical abuses from one man in particular, and a miscellany of other abuses from several others. And here I am, still standing. I can't be that much of a wimp when it comes to pain.

Then it hit me that it's not the pain per se that had me dragging my feet earlier, it was that panic of being trapped in a chair for a period of time and subject to whatever the person towering over me chose to do. It's that apprehension of knowing you are helpless, at the mercy of another human being.

Today, I was just woozy enough from the gas for my thoughts, during the root canal, to be a bit off. I went through everything from why my mother doesn't love me to pretending the odd shaped light fixtures on the ceilings were from a movie theater, and upon hearing the dentist telling the assistant, "Do a little rinse," following it up in my thoughts with, "make a little love, get down tonight, get down tonight!"

As the drill droned and my thoughts tilted, a sort of euphoria took over. Look at me! I wanted to cry out to someone. I'm getting through this just fine! I'm not freaking out, I'm not even scared. I thought I might pass out, but just look at me!

A part of my mind was taking note of everything from the minty smell of what I was breathing through my nose, to the sudden urge to giggle at the thought of my tongue getting in the way of the drill, in case I decide one of my novel's characters needs a root canal. And all the while my sense of wonder was growing.

I am not your victim anymore, is what I was thinking. I knew exactly who those words are meant for.

I am not your victim, I want to shout at my stepdad. I was, but my mistake was in thinking for all these decades that I'm still your victim.

My mistake was in thinking that you, and others like you who have peppered my life, hold the last word in who I am and in how much value I do or don't have.

The gas I inhaled during the root canal messed with my head, but in a good way. It's as if I were able to access deeper thoughts than I'm normally aware of and, in doing so, to cast off the superficial thinking which may be a safe way to get through life, but which is also incredibly numbing and restrictive.

I've hobbled myself in so many ways and always when I do this it's because of others. Why have I allowed the thoughts and assessments of others concerning me to be of more importance that what I think of myself?

It's well past time to start putting more stock in my own self-assessment. There will always be those who misunderstand me, and because of that misjudge me. There will always be those who don't much care if they're right or wrong about their conclusions. How can I base my sense of value on such sinking sand, and expect to experience a sense of security?

No, I'm no one's victim anymore. Though daily I struggle with the aftermath of childhood abuse, I'm moving beyond the unthinking acceptance of my status as an inferior being into the marvelous freedom of one who has chosen life over the numbing death of victimization.

 

 

 

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Reader Comments (8)

Love it.

April 7, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMarcy

Thank you so much for this post. It resonates deeply with me. I too have had a life-long fear of dentist to the point of badly neglecting my teeth and still do. I am 61 years old.

"It's that apprehension of knowing you are helpless, at the mercy of another human being." <<<< I never thought of it this way, but it does make sense.

I need to remember this when other things get in my way of being who and what I am.

April 8, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterClara

Clara,

It was quite a revelation to me when I realized that it wasn't the pain I feared--that was secondary to the dread of being rendered helpless under the hands of someone else.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope something I've written will help you in your efforts to learn to be true to your own authentic self.

April 8, 2015 | Registered Commenterbeautifuldreamer

All I can say is hip hip hooray for you and all within you! The joy, the freedom is so obvious in how you wrote this. I am so happy for you!

April 10, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJM

I love that you had such a breakthrough! I actually read an article awhile back about the link between childhood sexual abuse and fear of the dentist. I had never thought about it before but it makes so much sense...feeling powerless with (usually) a man standing over you, foreign objects in your mouth, etc. I'm so glad you were able to overcome this!

April 11, 2015 | Unregistered Commenteradria

Thanks JM, and Adira. I have the second part of my root canal next weekend and can honestly say I have no anxiety. I know now that there won't be any pain involved. I didn't even have pain the next day, as several people told me I would.

As for being in the helpless position that the dental process necessitates, I think that realizing that this is part of my overall "fear of the dentist" experience has caused the fear to shrink to a manageable level. I never expected my fear of dentists to subside, in fact it's gotten worse as I've gotten older. But now, well sheesh, it just feels good to have the worst of it behind me.

April 11, 2015 | Registered Commenterbeautifuldreamer

Your writing has grounded me after a visit with an energy healer. Your words spoke to exactly where I feel I am in my journey. After reading, I feel the need to keep moving forward, and to change my mind about how I am looking at the past, at least for a moment. I am working on my issues surrounding healing, and I have connected with your perspective and experiences. Thank you for sharing your life stories. You have opened up some part of my brain and heart that are still searching for answers or viewpoints to shed light on the stuff that still feels muddled, and reconcile what I can. I am grateful to find your blog. Any encouragement to sort out the pieces of myself is welcomed. I support you in your healing. Please keep writing. Your voice is powerful and motivating.

April 17, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Wow, Elizabeth, I hardly know what to say.

I'm honored that anything I shared here was the means of helping you move forward a bit, and to change how you consider the past.

This is what I so love about sharing our stories: we get to lend a helping hand to someone just at the right moment in their life when what they're experiencing (perhaps being stuck in the healing process, for example) converges with our sharing how we ourselves became unstuck.

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope to see you around here often.

April 17, 2015 | Registered Commenterbeautifuldreamer

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