Jenny's Note

For an abuse survivor, not being in control can be scary. Feeling helpless can be so triggering, bringing with it hated memories of being a little child overpowered by an adult. Like most of you who deal with such memories I don't do "helpless" very well. I like to stay on top of things, keep some kind of control: feel as if I'm the one in charge now. That doesn't mean I boss around the people in my life. What it means is that I feel a deep and driving need to be responsible for my own stuff. I don't want to be weakly dependent on others, I want to handle my issues myself.
All that to say that when I came across a couple lines on a notepad, written in a childish scrawl, I was quite taken aback. The handwriting looked suspiciously like my 7 year old alter's (Jenny's), but I couldn't remember her writing it. Since I usually am co-conscious I'm used to pretty much knowing what my various parts are up to. When something like this happens it's very disorienting.
When did Jenny write this, and why? I can't make sense of the note, for it says something about the individual who was my childhood best friend. That's the only person I know by that name. Why did Jenny write it though? Why don't I remember, even vaguely, the feel of the pen in her child's hand? I was so stumped by the note I even asked my son if he'd written it to mess with my head. He thought the whole thing pretty funny (he doesn't know about my DID), and I had no explanation as to why I would've thought he was behind it.
Because I'm trying to be more understanding and gentle with my parts, I have chosen to not ignore this note. It seems to me that Jenny was trying to express something. I've also been making more of an effort to be nurturing. The old me would have chucked it impatiently, not wanting to know where it came from or what was behind it. But I see as I continue on my journey of healing that it is doing me absolutely no good to continue with such a dismissive attitude. It's not helping me, it's not helping any of them. If Jenny needs to tell me something, I want to be ready to listen.
I may not figure out what's behind the writing of this note but I have learned that I do have it within me to slow down and not be so quick to consider it of no worth. That kind of dismissive attitude was a character trait of my abuser's which I've no desire to perpetuate on anyone.



