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This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 


Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.


Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.


It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!













Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.



There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 



On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!








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That Thin Line

The car I've had for about 3 months is dead, its engine fried. Right now I've no particular feelings about this and I'm thinking it's because I'd loaned it out to my son for  most of the time I've had it, so I never really had a chance to get too attached. Or maybe I'm simply numb because this kind of thing has happened to me so many times that there just aren't any feelings of deep disappointment left.

I'm trying to imagine what in the world could happen that would make it possible to once again own a car. My income is fixed, so there's no help there. I don't have rich relatives, I couldn't afford monthly payments on a car even if my credit wasn't abysmal. How then can this car be replaced? Well, it will be interesting to see what happens next. As a matter of fact I didn't expect to get this car, it was bought for me by my son and his wife.

I've come to realize that it's not situations such as the loss of transportation which bedevils my spirit. I don't like dealing with anything that involves financial difficulty, but it's the type of difficulty I can handle best. The son who bought me the car, and the one who had borrowed it felt worse than I did about its untimely demise. It's not that I don't feel the loss at all, it's more that I've consigned such losses to the inevitable. These things happen, and they happen to me on a pretty regular basis. I would be hard pressed to deal with a sudden inheritance of money, so adept have I become at making do. No, what's hardest for me to deal with in my little universe are the intangibles: a friend who goes into hibernation infrequently and becomes totally inaccessible to me; a misunderstanding in a friendship which can't be easily resolved; the emotional angst of the random piercing stab of regret for the loss of an old love. These are what cause my spirits to sag so low that I can barely shuffle through my days.

I had thought to get back into therapy once I got my car back. I see now that I'll have to consider an alternative method of getting to appointments. Yesterday I mentioned not being able to use public transportation. I doubt that'll be changing any time soon. How badly do I want to go into therapy? Isn't there a slight sense of relief at having no car to take me there? Is it possible to feel that relief at the same time that I feel a keen disappointment?

In therapy, I tell myself, I could work through whatever needs to be worked through in order to better navigate my way through the landscapes of my relationships. I would learn new skills and tools for doing so. There would be a guide of sorts, my therapist, to help me stay the course. Right now in the meantime, in the in-between time of no therapy I find myself weighed down with grief and depression and sadness. I don't know their origins or perhaps I know them all too well and am not willing to over think them or call them by name.

I'm keeping my head above water, not by much but enough to avoid drowning and that counts for something. I've no strident goals or chores for myself today. No, I'd do better to take it easy and be gentle with myself. Because even if I'm not exactly mourning my dead car, there's more Maybe a horse would be more reliable?than enough mourning going on inside of me for other things to know that I'm walking an emotionally/mentally thin line.

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Reader Comments (3)

Beauty, I'm sorry about your predicament. I hope this sorts itself out. When I was poor I was able to get a decent car for $500. The key was to go through a mechanic I trusted. I do hate to spend money on cars even know. I will never spend more than $5 or 6000 on a car, because you can get an excellent used one for that much that's well serviced and cared for.

January 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Thanks Paul.

I don't know how I'll manage to get another car, but I trust that sooner or later one will come my way. I know that a lot of people now are selling their second cars for cheaper than they normally would, because of the economy. Of course that does me no good if I have no money!

January 7, 2010 | Registered Commenterbeautifuldreamer

My heart goes out to you dear. I sincerely hope your depression and sadness will come to some resolution.

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVicki Johnson

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