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This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 


Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.


Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.


It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!













Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.



There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 



On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!








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« Well of Darkness | Main | Epiphany and Pleasure »

Where I Live

For as long as I can remember I've felt like the odd man out when I'm around other adults. I've chalked it up to poor social skills, never looking beneath the surface for any other explanation to the feeling that overtakes me when I'm interacting with others.

This is a feeling of being off somehow, of saying the wrong things or saying them a bit too late so that the timing is all off. Sometimes there's an emptiness inside of me as I struggle to be around others, a deep aching void which causes me to keep at a safe emotional distance. So others won't suspect my emptiness? Perhaps.

Wouldn't you think it's obvious that I feel "off" because of my disorder? I'm embarrassed by how long it's taken this to occur to me. Of course I'm going to feel like I have two left feet when it comes to socializing: look at who is speaking for me at any given time, in the form of my various alters. A sullen teen, several children in various stages of brokenness. An older woman who means well and is very sweet, but rather bungling at best. A pre verbal toddler with no name. You get the picture. Even if they all pitched in at once to help me cope with my lack of social skills, it wouldn't do me much good.

I know I'm an adult, at least chronologically. Why then do I so often feel like a child around others? I can think of no other reason than my DID.

What was done to me as a child didn't simply make me a bit awkward, it necessitated the creation of many alternate parts for survival purposes. You'd think that with so many inside of me helping out I'd have no problem socializing, but there is help and then there is help--the kind a young child tries to give its parent which is not really helpful at all. We expect that in a child; their desire to please is not always equal to their skill level. As an adult I resent feeling so often like that eager to please child who means well but just makes a mess of things.

I don't want to make a mess of things. Feeling stupid on a regular basis is demoralizing and exhausting. Sometimes, just once in a blue moon, sometimes I can see why some multiples choose to integrate.

I know I've been married, raised children and am now the nana of 8, but I wonder if in the truest sense of the word I've ever truly been an adult? Once my childhood abuse began was I ever really a child again? Seems to me I've been robbed of both my childhood and adulthood. So where do I exist then? I suppose in some kind of in-between place with no name, somehow fitting to the confusion I live with every day.


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Reader Comments (1)

Dear Beauty

Keepers struggled with this same issue and in many ways it had a direct affect on their relationships with others. Yes, a little may not be out but I could tell by the response or look they were the source and likewise, the shy teen was in a difficult situation for one so young. In their later years many of the littles were deep deep inside with only some around on a rather consistent basis. I can attest that they too felt robbed of the childhood, their teen years and their adulthood, just like you, and all because of the splitting over and over due to the abuse. They felt robbed, plain and simple, they felt cheated in never having that chance at "normalcy". You are not alone in your feelings. Maybe those with minimal disocciation can indeed rejoin into one but I fear that most cannot and I can't even say they should or should not. I can honestly say from my viewpoint that I got to know baby Teri and teens Polly and Beth and littles like Terrence and Emily Anne and many others and that through them I knew more of the complete person that no one else ever did. For that I am truly thankful but I am not thankful for what she and they endured for over 60 years and what you too are facing and contemplating. I have to agree that what you and they have survived is not fair, not just, but you did what you could to survive in a most unique and special way. And that survival lets you be a nana 8 times and a mother and a mentor to many who read of what you have gone through and accomplished. It is a two sided sword, please don't fixate on one side and forget the other for it shows us the real and actual you.

Be Blessed


May 26, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjm

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