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This area is reserved for the tidbits I know hope will be of interest to my readers. Check back often for regular updates. 

 

Check out this article about the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena, including a list of organizations which strongly oppose this sick trend, and have implemented various means of helping women who have been sexually victimized.

 

Were you raised by a narcissist? Chances are you were if you suffered any form of childhood abuse. The Little Red Survivor website is filled with excellent articles examining the many faces of narcissism.

 

It's been a long time coming---7 years to be exact---but finally email notifications for new BD posts is available. Sign up today and never again miss another post. You know you want to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Kate Is Rising has an excellent Survivors Resources page which directs you to numerous websites dealing with issues of abuse, healing and recovery. Please bear in mind that the information on these pages may be triggering.

 

 

There's lots of good stuff at the Dissociation Blog Showcase, including a list of 180 blogs dealing with some aspect of this disorder. 

 

 

On the Overcoming Sexual Abuse site there's an article entitled, "It's Not About You Mom" which I could have written myself. I bet many of my readers could say the same!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Entries in Healing (71)

Thursday
Nov072013

We Never Get Over It

One of my sons shared with me a conversation he had with a neighbor, who told him her son is in prison. She said he belongs there, even though he didn't really hurt anyone. Then she continued to say that he and 3 of his friends got drunk one night, and they all molested an 8 year old girl.

"She didn't get hurt, but she'll never get over it," is how the woman phrased it.

"Why won't she get over it if she didn't get hurt?" I said, with great indignation.

My son was pretty hot under the collar about it (he has a 10 year old daughter). He kept going on about how that's something that stays with you the rest of your life, etc. I decided not to get sarcastic when I said, "I know."

I've been mulling this over throughout the day. Never get over it?

This is how it goes for me.

I walk into the bathroom and close the door, and immediately I feel like I can't breathe. I was molested many, many times in bathrooms.

I see the color yellow and my brain grows fuzzy. The brand new house we moved into when I was 9 was bright yellow. And so was the bedroom in which I was molested and raped more times than I could count.

An oldie but goldie comes on the radio, and I have to pull my car over because I can't see through my tears. I listened to that song after another rape, after walking on wobbly legs with warm sperm running down my thighs,  back to the tenuous comfort of my own room.

As my bedtime approaches, anger deepens. I don't want to go to bed. Bed is where I was awakened to my abuser bending over me. Doing things no one needs me to describe.

I awaken in the morning with fury my first emotion of the day. I don't remember, but I just bet I experienced that same fury as a kid when I awakened to yet another burdensome day to somehow be gotten through, and my mother no help at all.

I watch an old sitcom I used to enjoy with my father, and have to change the channel. The enjoyment of certain shows was forever ruined by the devastation of being torn from him when I was 7.

For days, perhaps even weeks, I put up with pain or some medical condition because it takes me that long to a) acknowledge I really am miserable, and b) that it's okay to do something about it. I wasn't allowed as a redheaded stepchild to have needs and human feelings.

For decades I went through a number of relationships with men, many of them abusive, because I didn't know I deserved better. I didn't tell anyone in my life about the abuse. When my mother found her hubby molesting me, nothing changed.

Someone says something genuinely kind to me and I want to crumple myself up into a ball and die. When I lost my dad, he took all kindness with him.

I awaken in the middle of the night sometimes to my entire body thrumming, as if it's experiencing a sort of earthquake.  When my stepfather abused me my body trembled with fear.

A friend gifts me unexpectedly with cash and, as much as I need it, it feels as if the entire bottom has just dropped out of my world. My mother stayed with my abuser because he brought home a healthy, steady paycheck.

Someone comes up behind me unexpectedly and I jump and scream. My stepdad was forever accosting me around corners, appearing seemingly out of nowhere just when I thought I was safe from his grasping hands.

I sit down to write my story--MY story--and instantly doubts set in. My stepfather used to mock my writing attempts with his acidic remarks, insinuating that writing was a stupid thing to do, and that I was too stupid to attempt doing so anyway.

I see the look on someone's face when what I say or do something idiotic. I've just dissociated, for in the process of being destroyed by sexual abuse, my mind fractured into many parts in order to survive the unthinkable.

And so it goes.

We don't get over it. That's something we (my DID system and I, as well as our fellow survivors) don't get. We don't get to know life in what would be considered a "normal" manner. We're too busy surviving, for one thing.

Many mornings I awaken wrestling with thoughts of suicide. Today? Can it possibly wait? I am so very tired. Maybe I wouldn't even be alive to write this if it wasn't for the fact of my Chronic Fatigue.

That poor little girl. All the poor little boys and girls of the world who never get over it.

Poor them. Poor me. Poor us . . .

Wednesday
Oct092013

I Don't Write Pretty

Like any proud mother, I admit I'm a sucker for even the faintest praise of my baby (this blog). When someone unexpectedly offers such words, I practically glow with embarrassed pride. I'm not seeking fame here; what I strive for is to share my reality with those who can benefit by reading my truth, and to be a little lantern along the way of their healing journey, pointing them to the proper pathway.

My words here often fumble, because the truth of being a survivor of sexual abuse sometimes defies definition or expression. But I try. To not communicate what I can of my tribulations would cut against the grain. As a writer, this is how I best share my truth: by writing it down word by word, sentence by sentence, until a picture begins to emerge of my little abused self, suffering untold agonies of spirit and flesh--- until my readers begin to grasp what it is to grow into adulthood not only with that abused child still living inside of me, but many others children of different ages as well. Not everyone who suffers childhood sexual abuse splits off into multiplicity, but I did. I did, and this is my story of how Dissociative Identity Disorder enabled me to endure what no child should have to endure.

While it's true that I've been considering winding my blog down to a close, I find myself mentally and emotionally rejuvenated by the discovery that one more person has read it for the first time, and has found it helpful.

I've written about how sometimes I feel shame that I'm nearing 60 and still wrestling so much with my childhood issues. Shouldn't I have arrived by now at some sure-footed destination? Shouldn't my healing be complete? I find that nothing could be further from the truth. I've made progress mostly in baby steps. And maybe a reason to keep on chronicling my journey is to show that there isn't any true cut and dried end to this business of healing.

I used to feel so inadequate as a multiple, as if I couldn't even get that right! Then I came across the wonderful article On Being a Proper Multiple which assured me there is no right way to do multiplicity. Not everyone is a Sybil. DID doesn't manifest itself the same in every person, for we are all unique and every situation is different in the details of abuse.

Not long after beginning my blog I wrote Unmapped Miles. This was my effort to express the oddity of discovering my multiplicity, and how that discovery made me feel a tentative sort of joy. I love Unmapped Miles, not because it's great writing but because it was the first of my attempts to write my whole truth for once. What a blessing it was to be unshackled, to find my voice as a writer and put in black and white the reality of who I am, not editing out the unpleasantness of growing up as an abused redheaded stepchild.

Today I love my blog. Today I am keeping it going because I can't quite let go. And I'm not even sure I want to let go. Today I heard that someone found my words soothing, and that's apparently all I need to keep the words coming.

 

Sunday
Sep012013

Full Circle

Back when I began blogging in 2006, when my blog was on Wordpress, I barely knew what a blog was, much less what to write about. My first post wasn't about much more than my intention to record on a regular basis what it's like living with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I'd only recently been diagnosed with DID, and in trying to process this new revelation about myself I thought that writing down my thoughts might help me sort things out. Though I'd been living for decades with many personalities, I was a stranger to my own DID system. What did it mean to have this disorder? How did it affect my relationships and deepen and complicate my day to day struggles?

I've come full circle, in a way. Though I've gained many new insights into the workings of my system along the way, I'm still in the dark to some extent about my multiplicity. I find that I don't have any great words of wisdom to offer anyone who may be starting out on their own similar journey. Somewhere along the way I wrote Unmapped Miles, an expression of my own puzzled discoveries about my fractured mind. This was just the beginning of my quest for understanding. I wanted to know, I yearned to know just how the sexual abuse of my childhood had caused such fracturing of my mind. But I'm not much further along the learning process than I was 7 years ago.

I'm a little stuck right now; for weeks I've been dealing with a flood of sorrow and sadness, not knowing where it's coming from and if it truly belongs to me. Is it one of my parts in distress with whom this sorrow originates? Does it belong to all of my parts--does it even belong to me, the one who is in charge of this body and of interacting, most of the time, with the outside world?

Daily I toy with the idea of ending my blog, for it seems I'm spinning my wheels. Very rarely these days do I experience epiphanies about any of this. My thoughts are stale, my dreams are rubbed worn, and I've arrived, or so it seems, at a place where I can go no further. Is this it then? Am I to make no more progress in this quest to discover everything I can about my self: my childhood and its abuses most of all?

I'm turning 60 in 2 months. There is shame--though I'm aware there shouldn't be--at turning the big six-o and possessing little more self-understanding than I had when I began this journey into the unknown. I suppose what I thought initially was that I would embark on a journey with a definite destination. I would know when I had arrived and, once and for all I could lay down this heavy burden of confusion. Well, it seems I had it all wrong. I now believe there is no destination. You put one foot in front of the other, tentatively or with steady determination, and then the next one and the next one. You have set-backs; you relapse from your decision to be strong and deal with whatever comes up, no matter what it is because you want to know everything you can about what happened to you, and what you've turned into as a result.

I'm not bummed about turning 60. I'm bummed about turning 60 and not having gotten farther along than I have. For some reason I thought I'd have it more together by now. I thought my never-ending sorrow would by now be a thing of the past, at best a shadowed memory.

I don't know what to think about any of this. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm weary of talking and thinking about DID. That's it, really. I'm just weary of the whole thing.

 

Friday
Aug232013

Digging Deeper

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to bring long-buried emotions to the surface? This may seem like a strange question, but here's my dilemma. I'm working on my memoir again and the farther along I go, the more I realize that so many of the emotions connected with my childhood abuse are still in deep freeze.

Of course I don't want to be absolutely overwhelmed with a flood of feelings so powerful that it destroys me. But surely there is some means of recalling how I felt during the abuse: how my body responded as well as what went on in my head, and with my emotions. I feel dumb just bringing this up. I mean I know there was great fear, of course, and shame. Probably some anger, though I don't really remember that. To write a book about that season of my life requires more than just surface recollections of what happened. I remember enough of what happened to fill a book; I don't have the same recall of my feelings at the time.

What was my response to the abuse? I suppose being a multiple only complicates everything. If I dissociated a lot I wouldn't necessarily have access to the emotions held by different alters.

So, to get back to my original question. Does anyone know a safe way to encourage my pyche to give up the goods? Besides needing this to happen for the sake of my writing, I need to do this so I can continue functioning. Lately I've been flooded with sorrow, but I don't even know its source or who it belongs to. Well, the source would be mostly the sexual abuse, but does a survivor experience a sort of blanket sorrow, or does she feel sorrow for specific memories? Does every aspect of my season of abuse need to be explored and sorrow expressed, or can it be felt in a more general sense?

I'm not sure I'm asking the right questions, but this is all I've got for now. I'm hoping someone reading this gets what I mean and can lob a few pointers my way. Seems I'm as clumsy at dealing with my past as I am living my day to day life.

 

Monday
Jul222013

Journeying Toward Home

Sitting on the front porch just now with the sun streaming down on me, I had an epiphany. As a young child I played happily by myself for hours, in our backyard, often making a private little home for me and my dolls under the shade of a weeping willow tree. What contentment to sit in its shade, absentmindedly absorbing the serenade of bird songs, or the dull roar of an overhead airplane as it arced through the sky to some unknown destination.

Time seemed at once to stand still and to flow, washing over me the sweet assurance of being loved and cherished. Grasshoppers jumped to my delight and bees droned in their lazy way, seeking to suck the nectar from sweet  summer's lavishness.

Before, this is how I knew life. Before, the sun was kind to me and the long summer days were resplendent with hope and the promise of eternity. After, I found no delight in the season whose brightness rubbed me the wrong way: and here's where my epiphany enters the scene. I once loved the sunshine, for it made things glow and throb with eternity. I reveled in the promise of one day living in a land where we will no longer need the sun, for the Lamb will be our light. I loved how time went on and on, seemingly endless. But once abuse grabbed me with cold, grasping hands, I could no longer delight in the unendingness of summer, for it meant now that the abuse would never come to an end. It meant that forever and ever I would be at the mercy of evil, and for me that meant that the sun had eternally set on my soul, never to rise again, bathing me in that glow of well-being which now seemed foreign to me, a tale told out of school.

Because the abuse began on a hot summer's day I've always assumed that's the reason behind my lack of fondness for summer. But I see now it goes deeper than that, all the way back to those earliest memories of complete contentment broken now, shattered beyond repair and me with nothing to look forward to but vague terror and a degree of heart sickness for which there could be no cure.

I sat on my porch just now and the sun warmed my bones; it lightened the sidewalk to a near glow, and brought to mind a normal I once knew with the ignorance of one who has only ever known love and safety and, because of that, has no fear for the future. Oh how careless and reckless was I in the those early days, for my place in this world hadn't been contested.  I had no need to prove my value for no one had questioned it.

Yes, the time came when I thought I would exist forever in a kind of purgatory of the soul, lost in a limbo of hot, perverted hands and the searing hope for a rescue that never appeared.

On the porch, then, my heart felt a slight uplift of hope as the sun warmed me. I've already begun eternity, I thought, nothing has changed after all. The sun isn't evil and I'm no less valuable than I ever was, for nothing can change what awaits for me at the end of my long, convoluted journey toward home.